


Fire Memblem: Three Houses (the chat fic)

by AetherF1ow



Series: Fire Memblem: Three (or more) Gay Disasters [1]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: All of them have their post time skip looks, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Byleth picked Black Eagles, Claude and Dimitri love each other and are gay, Claude: Golden Deer has memes, Dummies, Except that everyone is gay, Felix and Sylvain are both idiots, Hilda stans Claumitri, I couldn't resist, Ingrid stans Sylvix, Its her user for gods sake, Like, Lol jk im too lazy to add more tags, Lysithea acts like an old lady but is a baby at heart, Multi, Oop updating time, Petra: I am wanting to type properly, Sylvix is already here, The golden deer are so considerate of their leader being gay, because some of them look hot as hell with them, because that's what I do best, but both don't know the other loves him, but they love each other - Freeform, chat fic, even Lorenz, lgbtq all the way, not mentioning anyone, really slow between a few, sorry for excluding you for 4 chapters Ingrid, very slow burn, woah
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2020-10-24 06:46:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 5,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20701670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AetherF1ow/pseuds/AetherF1ow
Summary: Fear the deer: If I walk in and it's gay, I'll cryCupid: no don'tUgly ass bowl cut: ugh Claude don'tJeralt's true child: Please doFear the deer: IT'S MEGA GAY IN HERE GUYS IM CRYINGCupid: We tried





	1. Chapter 1

** Deer **

Fear the deer: Why hello there

Cupid: Hi Claude

Cupid: This nickname is fitting

Ugly ass bowl cut: I agree

Ugly ass bowl cut:

Ugly ass bowl cut: Claude change it

Jeralt's true child: that's fitting

Marianne: hello??

G U N S: very fitting nicknames Claude

Knightly: Most of them

Fear the deer: Where's Lysthia

Knightly: idk

Cupid: Fucking Edelgard

Fear the deer: Fitting

Is actually baby: no

Is actually baby: CLAUDE CHANGE IT

Fear the deer: I got edgelords opinion on it.

Cupid: Holy fuck he got within two feet of Felix.

Fear the deer: I actually shouted at him from across the dorms

Fear the deer: I think he heard me

Is actually baby: Felix would never agree to this name

Fear the deer: Let me ask him 

** Fear the deer has added Sylvain **

Fear the deer: who

Sylvain: I would agree to that name.

Is actually baby: oh it's felix

G U N S: how do u know

Is actually baby: Because Sylvain doesn't type properly.

Sylvain: I'll be leaving now

** Sylvain has left the chat **

Fear the deer: I was right.


	2. Blue Lions, GO!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noodles: I need assistance.
> 
> Homo: What now?
> 
> Sexual: felix I'm sure its relevant
> 
> Jesus Christ is the true god: We're here for you!
> 
> Noodles: I'm Bisexual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: * posts story * I'm going to leave this and pray for the best.
> 
> Me today: *opens story*
> 
> Also me: *sees 556 views*
> 
> Me again: Wtf

** Blue Lions Unite **

Homo: Sylvain, I swear to Jesus.

Homo: Change my fucking name.

Sexual: no can do

Noodles: These are fitting.

The boars lapdog: I agree

Homo: Oh, that's why you asked me on what I call the lapdog.

Jesus Christ is the true god: That's not very nice!

Precious Boy: Yeah, it really isn't.

She Attac: You made Mercedes angry!

Homo: God, okay.

Noodles: I require assistance with a problem I have.

Homo: What now?

Sexual: felix its not that bad

Jesus Christ is the true god: We're here for you!

Noodles: I'm Bisexual.

Precious Boy: Oh cool!

The boars lapdog: I wish you the best, your Highness.

She Attac: We support you!

Noodles: And I have feelings for Claude

Homo: Nope

Sexual: why.

She Attac: I take it back.

Precious Boy: That's horrible.

Jesus Christ is the true god: Guys!

Homo: Maybe we should shut up before the lapdog comes after us.

The boars lapdog: You'd be smart to listen to him.

Sexual: help

She Attac: help

Precious Boy: Oh shit

Noodles: ASHE

Jesus Christ is the true god: Ashe!

She Attac: ASHE WTH

Sexual: hhhhh ashe

Homo: About time.

Noodles: Shut up, Felix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thank you all for the ABUNDANCE if views. I feel blessed to even have people read this.


	3. Byleth.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gatekeeper: Byleth
> 
> By-sexual: Imma raid the BE chat
> 
> Gatekeeper: Please don't
> 
> By-sexual: They won't care.
> 
> By-sexual: Maybe Hubert would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enter Byleth.

** Gatekeeper my baby **

Gatekeeper: Byleth.

By-sexual: Inma raid the BE chat.

Gatekeeper: Please don't.

By-sexual: They won't care

By-sexual: Maybe Hubert.

Gatekeeper: My heart flies out to you!

By-sexual: Awh

** Black Eagles **

Aymr: We must destroy the crests.

Offline: this again?

AWW YEAH: Lin please don't

I have trouble speaking: How does one write on here?

Manuela's biggest supporter: WHO MADE PETRA'S NAME THAT?!!!!

Edge, edge, edge: I believe I did.

Manuela's biggest supporter: HUBERT

Aymr: Dorthea, calm yourself.

Manuela's biggest supporter: I AM CALM EDIE

Ferdinand: sup bitches

Offline: that's probably Claude

AWW YEAH: you're probs right.

Edelgard? More like Edgygard: Who is that Ferdinand? Because I AM FERINAND VON AEGIR!

Edge, edge, edge: Professer?

Ferdinand: Shit

Edge, edge, edge: Get out

Ferdinand: No

** Edge, edge, edge has banned Ferdinand from Black Eagles. **

Aymr: HUBERT

Manuela's biggest fan: Look who's calm now.

** Gatekeeper my baby **

Gatekeeper: Did it work?

By-leth: Put more of your heart into it next time, babe.


	4. It's MEGA GAY in here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fear the deer: If I walk in and it's mega gay, imma cry
> 
> Cupid: no
> 
> Ugly ass bowl cut: ugh, Claude don't
> 
> Jeralt's true child: Please do
> 
> Fear the deer: GUYS IT'S MEGA GAY IN HERE IM CRYING
> 
> Cupid: we tried

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nicknames:
> 
> Golden Deer;
> 
> Claude: Fear the deer
> 
> Hilda: Cupid
> 
> Ugly ass bowl cut: Lorenz
> 
> Jeralt's true child: Leonie
> 
> Is actually baby: Lysithea
> 
> G U N S: Rapheal
> 
> Knightly: Ignatz
> 
> Marianne: Marianne
> 
> Blue Lions;
> 
> Noodles: Dimitri
> 
> The boars lapdog: Dedue
> 
> Homo: Felix
> 
> Sexual: Sylvain
> 
> Jesus Christ is true god: Mercedes
> 
> Precious Boy: Ashe
> 
> She Attac: Annette
> 
> Sylvix: Ingrid
> 
> Black Eagles;
> 
> Aymr: Edelgard
> 
> Edge, edge, edge: Hubert
> 
> Edelgard? More like Edgygard: Ferdinand
> 
> Offline: Linhardt
> 
> AWW YEAH: Caspar
> 
> Manuela's biggest fan: Dorthea
> 
> I can't speak right: Petra
> 
> By-sexual: Byleth
> 
> I also just found out that I skipped Ingrid in my Blue Lions chapter.  
Sorry, Ingrid

**Deer**

Fear the deer: I've infiltrated the Blue Lion classroom. Commencing operation 'Stalk my crush.'

Is actually baby: That's not creepy, Claude.

Fear the deer: What do you mean?

Ugly ass bowl cut: It means you're creepy, Claude.

Fear the deer: SHHHHHHHH

Cupid: Tf is going on?

Fear the deer: SHUT UP MY PHONE IS PINGING LIKE CRAZY

Cupid: shit sorry

Is actually baby: don't be

Fear the deer: I just left because Teach did.

Fear the deer: If I walk back in, and it's mega gay, imma cry

Cupid: don't

Ugly ass bowl cut: ugh, Claude don't 

Jeralt's true child: Please do

Fear the deer: IT'S MEGA GAY IN HERE IM CRYING

Cupid: we tried

** Cupid has changed Fear the Deer's nickname to Gay **

Gay: Nono stop making my phone ping

Is actually baby: Just mute your phone

Gay: Right

Gay: Shit he saw me

Cupid: Whoooo

Gay: Felix

Ugly ass bowl cut: you're gay for Felix?

Gay: No

Gay: I'm gay for Dimitri

Gay: But Felix saw me

Cupid: I heard a scream

Knightly: It's Claude

Knightly: And Felix

Cupid: Oh

Is actually baby: I don't know if this is right, but press F to pay respects.

Cupid: F

G U N S: F

Knightly: F

Ugly ass bowl cut: F

Jeralt's true child: F

Marianne: F???

G U N S: Marianne just ghosted through the entire conversation.

Cupid: are you even surprised?


	5. Enter Ingrid, the Sylvix fan.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sexual: Ingrid is shouting at me to add her into the chat.
> 
> Sexual: should I?
> 
> Homo: Want her to kick your ass into tomorrow?
> 
> Sexual: no.
> 
> Homo: Then do it, dumbass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enter Ingrid, who is overjoyed to see her friends dating and being mega gay. Even though they're a bunch of dumbasses
> 
> Yes, I said mega gay

** Felix help **

My life: Sylvain, if you need to talk to me, do it in reality. We're literally next door to each other.

Felix's life: but everyone can see my problem w/ a certain girl with who's grandmother I attempted to flirt with.

My life: Ingrid?

Felix's life: SHSHSH SHE'S OUTSIDE MY DOOR

Felix's life: when we go into the chat, pretend this never happened

\--------

** Blue Lions Unite! **

Sexual: guys

Sexual: Ingrid is shouting at me to let her into the chat.

Sexual: should I?

Homo: Do you want your ass to be kicked into tomorrow by her?

Sexual: no

Homo: Do it, dumbass.

** Sexual has added Sylvix to Blue Lions Unite! **

Noodles: Ah, Ingrid.

Sylvix: you all are so fucking dead

Homo: Not if you're dead before me. What the fuck is that name?

Sylvix: It's your ship name w/ Sylvain

Sexual:

Homo: Sylvain spontaneously combusted

Noodles: How can you tell?

Homo: He's right next to me, and his jaw is just open.

Homo: You broke my boyfriend, Ingrid.

Sylvix: always a pleasure.

Noodles: Should we catch her up?

Homo: I can summarize it.

Sexual: Ashe said shit

Homo: Or he can.

Sylvix: no way

Noodles: Yep.

Sylvix: that's dope as hell

Homo: I know.

Sexual: Ingrid please don't encourage him.

Sexual: his mouth needs to be cleaned out, and you're just tainting it more.

Sylvix: be quiet

Homo: I second that.

Sexual: Felix I thought you loved your bf

Homo: Not when he's being a dumbass

Noodles: Sylvain is stupid most of the time, therefore you don't love him.

Homo:

Homo: He's right. I want a divorce.

Sylvix: divorces are for married people, Felix.

Homo: Shut up, Ingrid.


	6. MISSING!: A sleepy green haired dude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AWW YEAH: GUYS LINHARDT IS MISSING
> 
> Aymr: Caspar, elaborate.
> 
> AWW YEAH: HIS PHONE IS JUST SITTING HERE ON HIS BED
> 
> Dorkthea: Why are you even in his room to begin with?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outside the fic, Hubert changed Dorothea's name;
> 
> Dorkthea: HUBERT WTH
> 
> Edge, edge, edge: You're welcome.

**Black Eagles**

Dorkthea: IM ACTUALLY GOING TO MURDER HUBERT EDIE

AWW YEAH: <strike>GUYS LINHARDT IS MISSING</strike>

Aymr: Pleas don't kill Hubert, Dorothea, I require him.

AWW YEAH: DON'T DELETE MY MESSAGES HUBERT

Aymr: What's going on, Caspar?

AWW YEAH: LINHARDTS GONE MISSING

Aymr: Please elaborate.

AWW YEAH: HIS PHONES JUST ON HIS BED

Dorkthea: Why are you even in his room?

AWW YEAH: THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM

Aymr: I'm sure he's okay. Lets go look around campus.

\------

AWW YEAH: I DIDN'T FIND HIM

Dorkthea: Neither did I.

Aymr: I didn't either

AWW YEAH: OMG LINHARDTS DEAD

Aymr: Hold on, I have a join request.

** Aymr has added Offline to the chat **

AWW YEAH: LINHARDT OMG

Offline: my phone broke, so I went to Apple to buy a new one.

Offline: why is Caspar running down the hall at an alarming speed?

Aymr: Oh no.

Dorkthea: RIP Linhardt

Offline: he was about to call 911 and the FBI

Aymr: We don't have the FBI here though.

Offline: exactly.


	7. Group Chat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ** Claude has created Memes. **
> 
> ** Claude has added 23 others **
> 
> Felix: Claude.
> 
> Claude: Hi Felix.
> 
> Felix: Why.
> 
> Claude: For the memes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now we mash everyone together.

** Deer **

Gay: I NEED TO CONFESS

Cupid: your love???

Gay: Yeah, no shit.

Gay: But I'll spontaneously combust if I do it face to face.

Ugly ass bowl cut: I believe Felix is already taken.

Gay: Not Felix, stupid.

Gay: It's Dima.

G U N S: create a separate chat for you two!

Gay:

Gay: I GOT IT

Gay: Thank you, Rapheal.

\------

** Claude has created Memes **

** Claude has added 23 others **

Felix: Claude.

Claude: Hi.

Felix: Why

Claude: For the memes.

Dimitri: Ah, Claude. Thank you for making this chat.

Claude: OH NO HE'S HERE

Claude: FELIX WHAT DO I DO

Felix: Perish.

** Felix has left Memes **

Claude: NONONO

Dimitri: What is the matter?

Claude: IM GAY FOR YOUUUUU

Dimitri:

** Dedue has joined Memes **

Claude: WHAT DID I DO

Claude: PLEASE DON'T KILL ME

Dedue: Why would I do that?

Claude: Because I made Dima spontanuasly combust?

Dimitri: I'm fine.

Dedue: You have done what?

Dimitri: Dedue, I'm fine.

Dedue: Good.

Dimitri: And I accept your proposal, Claude.

Claude: WOAH MAN

Claude: We start off as Boyfriends.

Dimitri: Oh. We don't get wed straight away?

Claude: No-

Claude: We can start with dinner.

Dimitri: I will pay.

Claude: No need

Claude: I pre-paid.

Dimitri: I see.

Claude: Meet you at 5?

Dimitri: It is five right now.

Claude: Dima open your door it's freezing out here ;(

Dimitri: I cannot see you.

Claude: FELIX OMG

Claude: GET A BETTER ROOMATE

Dimitri: Why?

Dimitri: Oh.

Claude: HELP IM DYING

Dimitri: I'll move him

Claude: OMG HURRY ITS -7

** Felix has joined Memes **

Felix: Wimp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually blessed by the support I've gotten from everyone.
> 
> I just want to thank you for supporting this story, the kudos, and the (few) comments I've gotten.
> 
> Thank you.


	8. Officially gay, officially gay, gay, gay, GAY!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gay: Dima and I are dating!!
> 
> Cupid: cool
> 
> Gay: Hilda I can hear you squealing
> 
> Cupid:
> 
> Cupid: crap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus points to those who get the title

** Deer **

Gay: Anyone online?

Cupid: me

Gay: You're always online.

Cupid: point taken

Knightly: I am.

Gay: Marianne?

Gay: Marianne I know you're ghosting.

Marianne: ghosts????????

Cupid: Claude.

Knightly: I thought you wouldn't bully Marianne.

Gay: I'm not guys :(

Marianne: im okay..........

Cupid: good

Gay: But guys

Gay: Dima and I are dating!!

Cupid: cool

Gay: Hilda I can hear you squealing.

Cupid:

Cupid: crap.

Knightly: Cards revealed

Marianne: congrats.......

Gay: Thank you 

Cupid: useless gay

Knightly: I have a join request.

Gay: Accept it.

** Knightly has added Felix to Deer **

Felix: gay or european?

Felix: its hard to guarantee

Gay: Am I gay or European?

Felix: ayeeeee

Gay: Now get out

Felix: you'd kick your gay friend out

Gay: Sylvain, you aren't fooling me

Felix: >:(

Marianne: Sylvain??????

Cupid: Good job you made marianne panic

Felix: sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> G  
A  
Y
> 
> O  
R
> 
> E  
U  
R  
O  
P  
E  
A  
N  
?


	9. He atacc, he protec but most of all, he loves his boyfriend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sexual: Felix, help :(
> 
> Homo: ??
> 
> Sexual: Dimitri is bombarding me with this meme;
> 
> Sexual: "He attac, he protec, but most of all, he loves his boyfriend."
> 
> Homo: Are you trying to flirt with me?

** Blue Lions, Unite! **

Sexual: FeLIX

Sexual: Felix

Sexual: I'm not drunk, I swear.

Homo: Tf do you want?

Sexual: Woah, that actually worked.

Homo: So you're drunk.

Sexual: Hungover

Homo: Deal with whatever girl you have yourself.

Sexual: NooOO

Sexual: I'm dating you tho :(

Homo: Fair point.

Sexual: So, Felix.

Homo: ?

Sexual: Dimitri has been spamming me with this;

Sexual: He attac, he protec, but most of all, he loves his boyfriend. 

Homo: Are you trying to flirt with me?

Sexual: No

Sexual: But I can if you want me to

Homo: Please don't. We already share one brain cell, and it belongs to me.

Homo: I don't need that last one leaving because of you.

Sexual: FeLIX, YOU WOUND Me

Homo: Don't care.

Sexual: ;(

Sexual: Oh shiz, Dima's online

Homo: Bye, Sylvain

Sexual: WaIT, WHAT

** Homo has left Blue Lions, Unite! **

Sexual: FELIX NOOOOOO

** Noodles has joined Blue Lions, Unite! **

Sexual: ACK DIMA NO

Noodles: ?

Sexual: Wait, you aren't gonna say it

Noodles: Say what?

Sexual: Scroll up 

Noodles: Claude stole my phone

Sexual:

Sexual: I'm going to go and slaughter him

Noodles: No, you can't 

Noodles: Felix just ran past with the Lance of Ruin.

Sexual: Wait, what

Sexual: Why

Noodles: He's going for his father

Sexual: Oh

Noodles: WAIT 

Noodles: SYLVAIN STOP YOUR CRAZY BOYFRIEND

Sexual: Is he stabbing him

Noodles: NO

Sexual: Then we're good

Noodles: SYLVAIN PLEASE

Noodles: HE'S TERRIFYING ME

Sexual: He's probs just yelling at him for sucking

Noodles: Oh, you're right

Noodles: OH GOD HE'S RAISING THE LANCE

Sexual: Where are you

Noodles: KNIGHTS HALL

Sexual: I'll be there in a minute

Noodles: MAKE IT A SECOND


	10. Outsmarted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dark Tea: Ferdinand, this new name makes no sense.
> 
> I'm not a Ferdibot: You drank tea last week, and it was dark.
> 
> Dark Tea: That still makes no sense

** Black Eagles **

Edge, Edge, Edge: This name is way too long.

Edelgard? More like Edgygard: I can fix that for you.

** Edelgard? More like Edgygard has changed Edge, Edge, Edge's name to Dark Tea **

** Edelgard? More like Edgygard has changed their name to I'm not a Ferdibot **

Dark Tea: Who gave you admin rights

I'm not a Ferdibot: Linhardt.

Dark Tea: Who gave him admin

I'm not a Ferdibot: Edelgard

Dark Tea: I don't understand Her Majesty at all sometimes.

I'm not a Ferdibot: You and me both

Dark Tea: Back to this, however

Dark Tea: You are Ferdinand, correct?

I'm not a Ferdibot: Yes

Dark Tea: Then this makes no sense

I'm not a Ferdibot: I saw you drinking dark tea

Dark Tea: That still makes no sense

Dark Tea: Wait a minute

Dark Tea: Ferdinand wasn't near me today when I drank tea

I'm not a Ferdibot: tf, yes i was

Dark Tea: I knew it

I'm not a Ferdibot: Oh shit

Dark Tea: Dorothea

I'm not a Ferdibot: HAHA, GOTCA HUBIE

Dark Tea: I will find you, and kill you

I'm not a Ferdibot: WHAT

I'm not a Ferdibot: AHHHHHH

** I'm not a Ferdibot has left Black Eagles **

Dark Tea: Oh for

\---------

** 6:18pm **

I'm not a Ferdibot: Why is my name this, Hubert?

I'm not a Ferdibot: And why is 'shit' in my word bank?

Dark Tea: It's a long story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Send help, im tired


	11. Operation: Linspar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorothea: Alright my fellow gays and lesbians
> 
> Petra: I am not being gay though
> 
> Felix: That remains to be seen
> 
> Sylvain: FELIX
> 
> Sylvain: I'm so sorry about him. He's insensitive
> 
> Felix: Am I now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, I need to update tags nowwwww

** Gay Gang (and lesbians) **

Dorothea: Oi, mates

Dorothea: My fellow gays and lesbians

Petra: I am not being gay though

Felix: That remains to be seen

Sylvain: FELIX

Sylvain: I'm so sorry about him he's insensitive

Felix: Am I now?

Sylvain: NONONO 

Dorothea: Ew, take your gay shit somewhere else

Dorothea: We aren't here for your gayness. We're here for Linhardt and Caspar

Petra: Aka Linspar

Dorothea:

Felix: Did you teach her that?

Dorothea: Of course I did

Sylvain: why am I not surprised 

Felix: So we're making them date, or...?

Sylvain: yep

Dorothea: Meet me near the fishing hole.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Felix let out a loud groan as he turned off his phone. A knock on his door made him sit up, but the door opened before he could get up from his bed.

"Hey," Sylvain poked his head into Felix's room. The black haired male squinted at his boyfriend, before getting off the bed, walking towards him, his eyes still squinting at him.

"Do we have to do this?" Felix muttered. The red head simply shrugged. 

"Dorothea kinda forced us by adding us into her gay chat."

"And who's fault is that?" Amber eyes glared into Sylvains brown ones. The other laughed sheepishly.

"Let's just not go."

"She'll hunt us down."

Sylvain's eyes glinted in the low light of Felix's room.

"We can do...other things," he said, grinning a bit evilly. Felix was slightly nervous at what he was implying.

"You mean-"

Sylvain cut him off with a kiss.

"No, dumbass. We can study for our exams," the red head huffed, pulling away from the dark haired man.

"Oh, thank god."

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Dorothea: SMH FELIX AND SYLVAIN ARE LATE

Petra: They are having a session of studying.

Dorothea: SINCE WHEN DID SYLVAIN STUDY

Petra: We can be having dinner together.

Dorothea:

Dorothea: That sounds lovely.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

** 7:47pm **

** Linhardt and Caspar have joined the chat **

Linhardt: did they seriously try and hook us up

Caspar: Yep

Linhardt: jokes on them, we're already dating

Caspar: LOL


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claude: OH MY GOD FELIX
> 
> Felix: What?
> 
> Claude: YOU NEVER TOLD ME SHE DIES STRAIGHT AWAY WTF
> 
> Ashe: Who
> 
> Felix: Claude von Reigan, shut your mouth, or I'll kick you out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If it isn't obvious, I've become invested in Danganronpa V3, so spoilers, I guess.
> 
> Mainly for the first trial
> 
> And maybe mentions of the 4 male K's I'm biased towards in the game.

** Ack **

Claude: FELIX

Felix: Oh, goddess, save me.

Ashe: Is this the Danganronpa chat I've heard about 

Felix: I'm going to kill Sylvain.

Sylvain: do it slowly bby 

Ashe: Eh

Felix: Goddess, I take back what I said earlier. Strike me down.

Claude: THAT'S NOT THE MATTER AT HAND

Claude: WHY THE HELL DID THEY DIE

Claude: I MEAN YAY KOREKIYO KIIBO KOKICHI AND KAITO ARE ALIVE

Sylvain: is he on the second trial

Felix: Just finished the first one.

Ashe: Is this V3 or sdr2

Felix: V3.

Claude: I HATE YOU FELIX

Felix: What the fuck did I do?

Claude: WH

Claude: OH MY GOD

Felix: What?

Claude: YOU NEVER TOLD ME SHE DIES STRAIGHT AWAY WTF 

Ashe: Who 

Felix: Claude von Reigan, shut your mouth or I'll kick you out.

Sylvain: getting a little frisky

Felix: I'll kick you out too. I don't care if you're my boyfriend.

Sylvain: damn

Bernadetta: what are we talking about 

Felix: How Claude is a drama queen.

Bernadetta: ohhhhh so v3 

Bernadetta: I cried when amami and akamatsu died 

Claude:

Ashe: HUHHHHH

Sylvain: bernie, wtf 

Bernadetta: sorry ashe 

Felix: This server was doomed from the start.

Sylvain: amen

Felix: Who's admin?

Hilda: that would be meeeeeeeee

Felix: Hand them over.

** Felix is now an admin **

** Felix has banned Bernadetta from Ack **

** Felix has taken away Hilda's admin **

Hilda: felix, wtf

Sylvain: bby

Felix: No.

Claude: Okay, I'm over my shock

Claude: Dima sucks at this game my god

Felix: I gave him DRTTH.

Claude: ?

Felix: Trigger Happy Havoc.

Claude: No wonder why it looks so old

Sylvain: bby come onnnnnn

Ashe: FELIX DON'T 

Felix: No.

Sylvain: if I beat the final chapter in V3 on the hardest difficulty, will you

Felix: 

Felix: Alright.

Sylvain: hell yeah

Ashe: So when dimitris done with TTH can I have it

Felix: Go ahead.

Hilda: Claude where are you uuu 

Claude: At my dorm why

Felix: He's at Starbucks.

Claude: How

Felix: Look to your right.

Claude: I hate you both

Sylvain: pffffft

Hilda: you better give me sdr2 when your done 

Felix: He's playing V3.

Hilda: I know you have it Felix 

Felix: I'm literally halfway done.

Felix: Give me 48 hours, I'll give it to you then.

Hilda: kk

Hilda: gtg, Lorenz is calling me

Claude: Same. But I need to murder you two

Felix: In your dreams.

Sylvain: lol

Ashe: Bye then

Sylvain: shit I forgot you existed

Ashe: Who am I to you

Sylvain: teruteru

Claude: BURRRRRRRRN

Felix: Alright, authors getting tired. Shut up.

Sylvain: Who

Felix: I said shut up.


	15. Felix being himself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix: Fuck you.
> 
> Dimitri: Uhhhh what did I do?
> 
> Felix: Exist.
> 
> Sylvain: felix oh my god im so sorry dimitri 
> 
> Dimitri: No no its fine. I'm just confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Felix being Felix, what more is there

** Homosexuals **

Felix: BOAR!

Dimitri: God's Felix I'm here what is it?

Felix: I have something to say.

Dimitri: Don't you always?

Felix: Don't interrupt me.

Sylvain: felix no

Felix: Felix yes.

Dimitri: Well?

Felix: You disgust me.

Dimitri: Ok.

Felix: Therefore, I have a string of profanities I could say, but Ashe could come in at any point. I'll be brief.

Dimitri: Alright.

Felix: Fuck you.

Dimitri: What did I do?

Felix: Exist.

Sylvain: oh my god felix im so sorry dimitri 

Dimitri: No no its fine. I'm just confused.

Felix: Aren't you always?

Dimitri: Did he just use my own words against me?

Sylvain: of course he did its felix 

Ingrid: You called

Sylvain: wtf no 

Felix: I would say get the fuck out, but you're a woman. 

Ingrid: I appreciate the kindness

Felix: However, you're also my childhood friend. Therefore I don't care.

Felix: So get the fuck out.

Ashe: Fuck!

Felix:

Sylvain: oh mercedes is going to kill you

Ingrid: Fuck yeah she is

Ashe: Fuck yeah she is!

Dimitri: What were you saying Ingrid?

Ingrid: I'm regretting all my life choices up to this point in time.

Felix: Starting from when you were born, I hope.

Ingrid: I'm going to fucking kill you, thot.

Ashe: Fucking thot!

Ingrid: I'm so dead.

Mercedes: yes you are ♡♡♡♡

Ingrid: If I go down you all are coming with me

Felix: In your dreams.

** Felix, Sylvain and Dimitri have left Homosexuals **

Ingrid: No what

Mercedes: its punishment time ♡♡♡

Ingrid: You're in on that too? Shit


	16. Eeep more gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Linhardt: would anyone care to explain why there was a pink wig in my bed this morning?
> 
> Caspar: uhhh idk what ur talking abt
> 
> Linhardt: i know you know why. i can smell the guilt from here.
> 
> Petra: I am thinking Claude did it. He is playing this...game called Dangnroupa.
> 
> Caspar: so close

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time to take a break from BL

** Black Eagles **

Linhardt: would anyone care to explain why there was a pink wig in my bed this morning?

Caspar: uhhh idk what ur talking abt

Linhardt: i know you know why. i can smell the guilt from here.

Petra: I am thinking Claude did it. He is playing this...game called Dangnroupa.

Caspar: so close

Petra: How would you be saying it?

Caspar: danganronpa 

Petra: May I....what did Dorthy call it again? Copy and paste?

Linhardt: dorthy? since when?

Petra: About a fortnight ago.

Caspar: lin english translation pls

Linhardt: two weeks, caspar. two weeks.

Petra: Is that how you been saying it?

Linhardt: if you don't want people correcting you, then yes.

Petra: Two weeks then.

Caspar: wait r u 2 dating or 

Petra: Indeed.

Linhardt: who would've thought?

Hubert: That would be me.

Petra: Greetings, Hubie.

Hubert: What?

Caspar: oh shit petra no

Linhardt: i'll start organizing the funeral.

Hubert: I'm terribly sorry, Petra, but did you hear that from Dorothea?

Petra: Yes.

Hubert: Don't mind me, I'm going to go kill her.

Petra: DON'T YOU THINK ABOUT IT HUBERT.

Linhardt: woah.

Caspar: holy shit

Edelgard: Would either of you like to explain why Hubert barged into my room uninvited?

Hubert: It's Petra, My Lady. She is out to kill me.

Linhardt: that is true.

Edelgard: Get out.

Hubert: My Lady-

Edelgard: Look, I have Ly under my bed, ready to use her magic to blast you into next week. Get out.

Caspar: oooooooo

Edelgard: Caspar, do be quiet, or else I will send her after you as well.

Linhardt: oh fuck off edelgard.

Caspar: OOOOOHHHHHHHH 

Edelgard: That's it. Get them.

Caspar: OH MY GOD GET HER AWAY FROM MY WINDOW SHE'S SCARING ME

Petra: Where is Hubert?

Edelgard: In my closet.

Petra: Many thanks.

Edelgard: Just a normal Saturday. Not chaotic like the other houses.

●●●●●●●●●●

** Memes **

Claude: hey uh

Lorenz: Yes, Claude. Everyone in the Black Eagles dormitories are getting slaughtered by you know who.

Felix: This shit again?

Claude: im pretty sure ferdinand is alright. hes just drinking tea.

Hilda: You know that because you're with him, right?

Claude: shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate exams.
> 
> Sorry I can't write Petra either, I never really used her in any of my paths. All I know is that she's the other good sword user in the game besides Felix.


	17. Exams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was deathly quiet in the library. All twenty four students were seated at different tables, preferably with their dorm mates. It was tranquil and peaceful. For the moment, obviously.
> 
> "God _fucking_ dammit!" Felix yelled suddenly, making everyone in the room, sans Hubert, jump a mile in the air. Tomas, the old librarian, turned towards Felix. "Quiet!" He said in his old, croaky voice. Felix huffed, turning back to his notebook.
> 
> "Why the fuck do I need to learn 'The History of Swordsplay' when I already know it?" The prickly swordsman groaned. Caspar nodded. "Yeah! It's bullshit!" The shortest male in the room shouted. Linhardt whacked him on the back on the head, and that's when chaos broke loose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: I'm going to write 1000 words this time!
> 
> Me: Writes 500 words

It was deathly quiet in the library. All twenty four students were seated at different tables, preferably with their dorm mates. It was tranquil and peaceful. For the moment, obviously.

"God _fucking_ dammit!" Felix yelled suddenly, making everyone in the room, sans Hubert, jump a mile in the air. Tomas, the old librarian, turned towards Felix. "Quiet!" He said in his old, croaky voice. Felix huffed, turning back to his notebook.

"Why the fuck do I need to learn 'The History of Swordsplay' when I already know it?" The prickly swordsman groaned. Caspar nodded. "Yeah! It's bullshit!" The shortest male in the room shouted. Linhardt whacked him on the back on the head, and that's when chaos broke loose.

Caspar himself had tackled his boyfriend out of the seat he was in. Unfortunately for Linhardt, he had taught Caspar how to beat someone taller than him, and Linhardt promptly gave up when he remembered that.

Ingrid, Edelgard, Lysithea, and Leonie all leapt out of their chairs, with Edelgard taking out her prized dagger while the other three grabbed the wooden stools; Ingrid even broke the leg off of one. 

Claude held in his snickers, while Dimitri hit his forehead with a loud smack. They were spared from the conflict, since they were sitting in the back corner of the library.

Felix slammed his textbook closed, shoving it in his book bag violently. Without skipping a beat, he threw Sylvain's textbooks at him, along with the redheads bag. The taller seemed to take the hint, putting his books with more care than Felix. The second he was done, the swordsman grabbed the lancer by his shirt collar, dragging him out of the library.

Marianne was cowering in the left corner of the library with Bernadetta, who held an encyclopedia over her head with terrified squeals exiting her mouth whenever a book came her way. The two timid girls hid under the table.

Mercedes was the only healer not currently engaged in something, so she calmly packed her books, walked over to Marianne and Bernadetta, attempting to coax them out from under the table.

Annette was screaming about how the library was going to get all cluttered when Ashe pulled her behind Dedue, who was using his larger body to shield his two smaller classmates. Annette would later swear she saw Ashe's cheeks go a light pink when the gentle giant took their hands to sprint out of the library.

Hilda, Ferdinand, Lorenz, and (surprisingly) Hubert were drinking tea as chairs, books, and even a sharpened stool leg were thrown around. Hubert didn't even flinch when the stool leg grazed his face, implanting itself in the bookshelf the behind him. The man looked confused as Hilda burst out laughing, and Ferdinand looking at him with shock. Lorenz was busy cleaning up his dropped tea cup.

Petra and Dorothea ignored the chaos, opting to sit with Claude and Dimitri instead. Rapheal and Ignatz joined them shortly after. Poor Tomas was hurled across the library when Dedue accidentally ran into him while pulling Annette and Ashe behind him.

"What the actual fuck are you all doing?" Byleth yelled above the chaos. Everything ceased at once, except for the tea drinkers, and those who were trying to study in the upper right corner of the library. Byleth crossed their arms disappointingly. "I hope that all of you are okay with being on horse stalk duty for a month."

They then smirked. "And you know...I'll let Manuela and Hanneman know that they don't have to assign random students to pick up horse shit anymore," they said evilly.

Everyone in the room, sans the Tea drinkers, groaned.

●●●●●●●●●●●●●

Felix ruthlessly stabbed through another training dummy when everyone that had been unlucky enough to be stuck in the library that day came from the stalls. Pushing his sweaty bangs out of his eyes, Felix smirked at the lot while he pulled his sword out.

"How did cleanup go?" He drawled. Ingrid shot him a death glare. "Shut up, Felix," she growled. Felix shrugged his shoulders. "I think you should be cleaning up most of the shit. You did almost take Hubert's head off his shoulders," he pointed out.

The next day, Felix was in the Infirmary with a dislocated shoulder. Nobody told the teachers who had done it.


	19. The As(s)hen Wolves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leonie: rats rats we are the rats
> 
> Hapi: we prey at night we stalk at night 
> 
> Balthus: rats rats we are the rats 
> 
> Marianne: wwhats happening?
> 
> Yuri: Hapi, Balthus.
> 
> Balthus: yeah boss
> 
> Yuri: Stop being foolish, please. The other houses are looking at you three like you are crazy.
> 
> Yuri: Which, might I add, is not far from the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if all the Wolves seem OOC.
> 
> I'm poor and didn't buy the DLC
> 
> Edit: Nah, I just got it. I'm just trying to figure out the personalities of Yuri and Constance, since Balthus is "punch first, think second", and Hapi is just apathetic.
> 
> Although, all of them are hard to decode, honestly.

** We are gay disasters **

** Hilda has added Baltie **

** Baltie has added Yuri, Constance, and Hapi **

** Yuri has obtained Admin Rights **

** Yuri has revoked Admini Rights from 3 users **

Claude: yuri wtf

** Yuri has changed Baltie's name to Balthus **

Dimitri: Hilda, you have forsaken us all.

** Yuri has muted 3 users. **

Leonie: why did you do that 

Yuri: Reason; Because I was annoyed by them.

Balthus: thats ruthless bro

Hapi: isn't the thing hes known for

Yuri: At least someone has been paying attention the past year or so.

Hilda: GHFSHNDTHHSGHJRRCH 

Hapi: gee thanks 

Yuri: I wasn't talking about you.

Balthus: GJVDSHHGFCNNTRWTIKJEAFBKYDXB

Felix: Welcome to the Group Chat. We all hate it in here.

Sylvain: bby thats just you 

Felix: Say that to Marianne, why don't you?

Sylvain: uwu sowwy sir

Yuri: Ugh, I regret even inspecting the surface.

Constance: You have no other to blame but yourself, Yuri.

Hapi: coco has a point yuri-bird 

Balthus: yeah she does

Yuri: Shut it.

Annette: Who ARE these people???

Felix: The sewer rats.

Bernadetta: SEWER RRRAAAATTSS???

Constance: Do not call me a rat!

Leonie: hey hapi balthus meet me at the deer class

Yuri: I'm going to go see what they're doing.

♤♤♤♤♤♤♤

** 3:36pm **

Leonie: rats rats we are the rats

Hapi: we prey at night we stalk at night 

Balthus: rats rats we are the rats 

Marianne: wwhats happening?

Yuri: Hapi, Balthus.

Balthus: yeah boss

Yuri: Stop being foolish, please. The other houses are looking at you three like you are crazy.

Yuri: Which, might I add, is not far from the truth.

Sylvain: OWRHSTUFGTHDTUHFRRUK

Felix: Holy shit, Yuri. Mood.

Hilda: guys I think leonies dying

Claude: CALL 911 HILDA GO

Hilda: AYE AYE CAPTAIN 

Dimitri: What is going on?

Claude: DIMA LEONIES DYING QUICK GET THE FIRST AID KIT

Yuri: He's feeding you bull.

Dimitri: WHAT?! I WILL GET IT SWIFTLY HOLD ON

Hapi: holy shit what did you do yuri-bird 

Balthus: Yuri evolved into Destroyer of Thots

Yuri: Flex on me bitches.

Yuri: UwU

Caspar: SOUND THE FIRE ALARM YURI DID A MEME 

Linhardt: ok

Constance: Might I ask why I hear the alarm? And sirens?

Claude: HILDA DIMA HELPED FLAG THEM DOWN

Yuri: You're all going to get arrested for this.

♤♤♤♤♤

** 11:57pm **

Claude: yuri

Yuri: Yes?

Claude: fuck you

Yuri: Door's always open, you know.

Linhardt: YJFDDUKUTRSFJBDEYJDRHIYWA7OJVAGJ

Claude: ew no im a married man 

Balthus: SOUND THE FUCKING ALARMS HE'S MARRIED 

Yuri: I'm going back to Abyss when this is all said and done.


	20. Nicknames return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ** Yuri has changed 4 names **
> 
> Salty ass god: You all know what's coming.
> 
> Lorenz: yuri, the more fuckable me.
> 
> Lorenz: please go easy.
> 
> Salty ass god: Perish.
> 
> ** Salty ass god has changed 24 nicknames **
> 
> Purple Troll: shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UwU welcome back nicknames 
> 
> Yuri: Salty ass god
> 
> Constance: I AM CONSTANCE VON NUVELLE 
> 
> Balthus: sexy 
> 
> Hapi: also sexy
> 
> \----
> 
> Claude: UmU 
> 
> Hilda: OmO 
> 
> Lorenz: Purple Troll
> 
> Ignatz: Shrek w/ bowl cut
> 
> Rapheal: Pig
> 
> Lysithea: I will break you 
> 
> Marianne: horse kink
> 
> Leonie: jeralt kink
> 
> \-------
> 
> Dimitri: Yum, ramen
> 
> Dedue: who?
> 
> Felix: very sexy
> 
> Sylvain: thot destroyer
> 
> Ingrid: Sylvain destroyer
> 
> Ashe: PERISH 
> 
> Annette: lesbian
> 
> Mercedes: like the car?
> 
> \-------
> 
> Edelgard: byleth kink
> 
> Hubert: Edelgard kink
> 
> Ferdinand: I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR 
> 
> Linhardt: will end you if woken
> 
> Caspar: fish fear him
> 
> Dorothea: women fear her
> 
> Petra: beasts fear her
> 
> Bernadetta: she fears herself
> 
> \------
> 
> Byleth: Professor

** We are gay disasters **

Yuri: It's that time of year bitches.

Claude: SOUND THE ALARMS HE'S HERE

Dimitri: RIGHT AWAY

Felix: Shut up, it's 8am.

Dorothea: shit and I thought i was bad

Petra: Dory they are I be confused?

Sylvain: yo is she ok

Felix: It's text to speech, you dumb fuck.

Yuri: Anyways..yeah...

** Yuri has changed 4 names **

Salty ass god: You all know what's coming.

Lorenz: yuri, the more fuckable me.

Lorenz: please go easy.

Salty ass god: Perish.

** Salty ass god has changed 24 names **

Purple Troll: shit.

UmU: yuri thank you uwu

OmO: bless owo

sexy: i convinced him to go easy on you two

Salty ass god: If Balthus didn't interfere, I would've revealed some...darker secrets, if you know what I mean.

UmU: 0_0

very sexy: Yuri, why the fuck.

also sexy: well its true

fish fear him: WTF IS THIS NAME

women fear her: it looks like 4 of us are twining 

beasts fear her: is that true or Fair

women fear her: sorry petra got a new phone and she doesn't know what she's doing 

women fear her: petra honey use the keyboard

she fears herself: wwhats thisss?

byleth kink: Don't worry, Bernadetta.

Edelgard kink: YURI WHAT THE FUCKING HELL

Salty ass god: Hey, they're all true.

I AM CONSTANCE VON NUVELLE: That is not right, Yuri!

Salty ass god: Oh no, no, no - CONSTANCE LOOK, IT'S EDELGARD.

I AM CONSTANCE VON NUVELLE: Where?!

sexy: holy shit I think yuri's dying

also sexy: is he the one I can hear wheezing 

sexy: yep 

also sexy: yuri-bird memed holy shit

UmU: SOUND THE ALARMS DIMA YURI MEMED 

Yum, ramen: RIGHT AWAY

OmO: I'LL HELP 

thot destroyer: who the fuck 

very sexy: God damn it Boar, don't actually pull the alarm.

Sylvain destroyer: mood

Salty ass god: You all sound surprised. Just like how I was fucking your mothers down in Abyss.

Salty ass god: I didn't do that, by the way. Only to...um...

very sexy: You must want your head to say goodbye to your neck.

thot destroyer: felix no 

Salty ass god: I dare you to try.

very sexy: Is that a challenge?

sexy: felix I swear all the wolves will pile you if you touch yuri

also sexy: b that sounds sexual 

OmO: ERDAGJPGSWFHKDWEYIVAWUIKCS 

UmU: DIMA THE ALARMS 

Yum, Ramen: RIGHT AWAY CLAUDE

Salty ass god: If you do that, I will break your kneecaps.

horse kink: kneecaps????

Salty ass god: I'll break all your kneecaps bitches.

jeralt kink: nono don't please

I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR: Ack, no

Salty ass god: Beg for your kneecaps.

sexy: BOSS OH MY GODUNDWUJSFUYR

very sexy: I'M WHEEZINFDYHSTHG

UmU: no you

Salty ass god: Uno reverse card, bitch.

OmO: oh shit 

UmU: EVACUATE EVERYONE 

** UmU, OmO, and 22 others have evacuated the server. **

sexy: were you joking or 

Salty ass god: No.


End file.
